Only You Can Control the Werewolf Population

Bob Barker said it best, “Only you can control the pet population…” but the sad truth is that while many of you make sure you get you cat, dog, weasel, or tribble neutered, many of us overlook the werewolf population. Sure werewolves have been portrayed as vicious, blood hungry, sexual creatures of death, but if you cut them do they not bleed as well?  They may not have an emotion on their tummy like a Care Bear, but these creatures still need love too. The flip side to this coin is that the werewolf population is rapidly growing to alarming levels, so it’s this bloggers call to arms (so to speak) to guide you on how to keep these creatures safe and sound from those who would hunt them down out of fear and spite.

Step One:  Bring these concerns to your local congressman (or woman)

With werewolf numbers at an all-time high, the facts cannot be ignored. It would be in your best interest to contact a government official about the matter. Sure, he might laugh at you when you bring up the subject, (or just completely ignore you) but at least you have a record of it! I will explain later why this is important. If by chance some government official listens to you, make sure you have all the facts down. Your facts should include but are not limited to these five key points. 1.) Present a slideshow of recent werewolf destruction in the area that you live. 2.) Showcase a graph that somehow pertains to werewolves and how they are the cause major problems in your neck of the woods (no pun intended) (And officials love graphs.)  3.) Bring in fake werewolf fur and tell him in a stern yet scary voice, ‘You see this, (point to fur) your whole body will be covered in it, and your wife and shaver will disown you!” It might seem like a big jump, but unless he sends in someone to Taser you, everything will be okay.4.) Show a timetable of recorded werewolf births in your area and have a psychic say that quote from the Wolf-Man. 5.) If all else fails (and you have not been kicked out yet) show him the goriest clips from werewolf movies, and state that it could you or your loved one that could be killed by a werewolf.

Step Two: Create a pamphlet about werewolves and go door to door with it

Now maybe this should have been included in step one(and I’m pretty sure now that it would have been better than the whole razor comment but oh well) but since it is not, take all you brought to the presentation and execute it into a fun size pamphlet. Stick a Dum Dum sucker in there as well to guarantee people take it.  Include lots of bloody pictures (doctor up some yourself as well) to create the perfect spooky effect. Once that sweet baby is hot off the press, head over to lower class neighborhoods and begin passing them out. Sure local gangs might make try to steal your suckers (or blast a cap in your ass) but don’t let that deterrent you from spreading the good news around.  Make sure to stay away from potential homes that have been the subject of werewolf attacks, only because those horror hounds can hang onto a scent for a period of no less than six months, and no longer than two years. Also, watch out for creepy homeless people because they too, just like werewolves can stay in the hunt for a long time. (However, the only difference being that homeless people usually go after change and not flesh)

Step Three: Befriend the folks at your local NRA chapter

 Along your magical journey to inform your community about the dangers of the werewolf population, you should encounter a crazed yet gun welding NRA member (if you don’t look up your chapter in the phonebook. You know that book wrapped in a yellow bag that stays on your porch until you trip and fall over it one drunken night).  After a few cocktails he should warm up to you (unless he becomes too friendly, then I would suggest going to a bathroom for a second and then climbing out the window. Unless of course you’re a fat person, then by accounts you will be doomed to share a bed with a lonely man) and from there, sell this person with even more theatrics than you pulled on the government official.  If he believes you…you can tell him about this site where you received this groovy information! By the way, good for you on surviving the crazy person with a gun, consider it a new personal best. So in theory, (let the record show from here on out, what I write is a subject of opinion, and therefore I am not liable for any death, destruction, tooth aches, loss of bowls, limbs, or premature births from this point forward)  you should be able to meet some more crazy people and brainstorm for a while.  After the racking of the minds, you will have come to the conclusion that jalapenos and anchovies are bad on pizza, and that a hunting party should begin on the next full moon to help keep the werewolf population in mind.

Step Four: Bark, Point, and Shoot at the Moon

On the night of the full moon you should make sure to have the following items before you head out: a library card (to check out any new werewolf related material), A CM Punk WWE Ice Cream bar (to satisfy the hungry inside of you), a knife made out of pure silver (to chop off the balls of a male werewolf), and a priest (to deliver your last rights.)  Now it might be hard to keep quiet, but remember a werewolf is no different from a stray dog (minus the fact that werewolves will kill you and can be smelly) so surprise is the key here. Some of the best locations to look for the furry guy or gal would be a lover’s lane, dark woods, creepy alley’s, or even a local Denny’s, however stay away from ice cream parlors, soda shops, pizza places, and adult movie theaters (unless of course you are in London) . Once you have picked out a location and found the werewolf in question, begin the attack with arms raised and fire in your eyes. If everything turns out as I have thought about in my brain, it should play out as follows. 1.) First NRA person gets throat ripped out by werewolf. 2.) Your pants become wet due to the chaos of step one. 3.) In the middle of prayer, priest gets his head ripped off. 4.) Step 2 happens again. 5.) Second NRA person gets the shot in on the werewolf. 6) You finally move and as the creature is lying there, you cut his wolf balls off. (However, in the case of female werewolves, it should be pointed out that you will have to stick the knife inside of her ‘special purpose’ to complete the process). After the bloody mess, wait for the police to arrive. Now you might think this a bad idea, but the truth is that you have nothing to fear (in theory) because you have a record of your visit to a government official. So if by a small slim chance you didn’t end up in jail, go have a drink and celebrate the fact that you and your crazy NRA members took down a mighty werewolf and helped keep the monster population down.

So in conclusion, you will have to repeat these steps many times to guarantee success, but hey, it’s the thought that counts. Now I know that this blog sort of turned into a guide on how to kill a werewolf, but honestly, these steps can be used to control the population as well. So when the full moon is out, make sure you are on the prowl, or else you could be the one getting snipped one day. Until next time, stay stiff and frightened! 

Horror Matters: The Day The Kid Spoke

It is my pleasure to introduce to you my co-host, The Sensational, Spooky, Seductive, Creature of Death, The Kamikaze Kid. The Kamikaze Kid will bring a fresh new element to this site, as well as share with you her thoughts on everything horror. So without further hype, let The Kamikaze Kid explain to you why Horror Matters to her!


Horror Matters: The Day The Kid Spoke

“I accentuated the aspect of horror a bit more. In horror films, we think the horrific element is a special thing that doesn't exist in real life and that's why we can enjoy it. But there are terrifying things in life too and they are all made by human beings. Everybody has those things inside themselves. So by filming human beings, it naturally becomes a horror movie.”

-Miike Takashi

In the words of one of the greats, or should I say “The Greatest”, all humans are capable of these ungodly acts which are portrayed in horror films. The horror film itself frightens us only because, when placed into some of the most horrific of situations, the human mind can be bent and stretched worlds outside of our own comfort zone.

It is this idea primarily that got me into horror. As a small child, one of the first horror films I was exposed to was ‘It’. While this reaches more into the paranormal side of the horror genre, as I haven’t seen any clowns coming out of my drain recently, Stephen King is probably one of the greatest staples in the American horror fiction foundation. His idea of the dark, dirty deeds which people are capable of (schizophrenia driving man mad enough to kill his wife or a crazed fan hobbling her favorite author because of her overwhelming obsession for his novels) began to expose me to more and more of this dark world the human mind seems to keep trapped away.

Much like the development of my own brain, my passion for the genre only grew more intricate. We had all seen ‘Hellraiser’ and found it hard to forget Cenobites may hiding under our beds at night. ‘Night of the Living Dead’, from 1968, was a personal gateway into the zombie apocalypse long before the craze began. But much like my personality, I craved for something different. I wanted something more and I needed it now! Luckily it hit me and it hit hard.

Miike Takashi is considered one of the world’s most controversial directors of our time and it was with the discovery of his films I was directed into the world of Asian Horror which I now consider my specialty. The first film I had been exposed to was ironically named ‘Ichi the Killer’.

‘Ichi the Killer’ is a gore based horror primarily circling around the twisted workings of extremely demented individuals. There is nothing paranormal or science fiction about this movie. I will admit, some of the fatal deaths seem to push the limits on “Would it really happen like that?” but the thrilling thing about this twisted masterpiece is that the mental instabilities these individuals suffer from are more common in the world we live in than you are I seem to want to admit. Brainwashing, homicidal tendencies, sadomasochism all wrapped up into an Ichi filled rice ball.

Basically, our “hero” Ichi is manipulated into thinking he remembers things that never happened causing an oddly placed rage to go out onto specifically chosen individuals. There are the prostitutes, the gang members and our sadomasochistic opposing character, Kakihara, who can’t seem to get enough of that pain and torture he lives and breaths for.I don’t want to ruin the ending or anything seeing as it is such a deep film but if there is any forewarning into the goodies that lay ahead, barf bags were passed out at the premier and a woman actually slapped Miike midway through the film as it was that disturbing. Ouch!

 From here there was only fuel to the fire. Director of ‘Old Boy’, Park Chan-Wook and his ‘Vengeance Trilogy’ and ‘Battle Royale’ based off of the ever controversial novel by Koshun Takami, are only a couple of the vast array of Asian horror which depict real people doing real horrifying things when placed only the most special of circumstances. Revenge, survival and mental illness.

This evolution and passion for horror has taken me to bounds I didn’t think I would go. Starting out with a film like ‘Ichi the Killer’ really left me a far more advanced fan than most when it comes to foreign horror and so I had thought I was prepared for anything. I then discovered the worlds of German and even Italian horror. I know what you must be thinking, “Give this journey across the world up.” But for those of you who have ever read the bible or studied world history, you can see that American’s, as a freshly birthed country, don’t have quite the dark and disturbing histories of these cultures.

And so it began, the exposure into the sick and twisted minds of those all across our world. While it made me hesitant to ever travel, making the tough streets of Detroit and Boston look like Baby Gap in comparison to the darkness of Eastern Europe or rural China, I realized many use food or art as a way to see the world and I a have simply exposed myself to the gut wrenching terrors of those we take so little time into understanding.

Miike was indeed right, all film about the human can inevitably be a direct gateway into the horrors we are capable of and this truth is what will continue to be my driving force into the minds of those dark individuals who bag our groceries, prescribe our medicines, handle our billing questions and even run our country.

My name is Angelica Guevara and I will be better known here as The Kamikaze Kid. I hope this have given you a little insight into the world of horror on a more personal level as I plan on exposing you to it a lot in my articles. But don’t be scared, it was bound to happen sooner or later.