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| The Count |
The Count has been known for his love of blood through hundreds of years, but last
night in a NYC subway women’s bathroom, The Count may have let his bloodlust
get the better of him. According to sources at the 16th Precinct of the New
York City Police Department, (known as the Special Victims Unit) The Count was
picked at the scene of the crime by Detective Benson and Detective Munch for
various sex crimes.
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| Detective Munch |
Not much is known as of right now as to what went down in the
subway bathroom. When asked for statement Detective Munch did have this to say,
“As for now the investigation is ongoing, but I can report that Count Dracula
was caught around four A.M. face first in the used tampon box of the women’s
bathroom sucking down on said tampon. It was at this time that Dracula become unstable
and ripped down a door and went after one Janet Lipshitz. Fortunately a police
offer was walking the beat when he did, as he may have just saved Ms. Lipshitz
life and apprehended the suspect in question.”
Not much more is known at the moment, and SVU hasn’t yet
returned our numerous calls on the matter. However we obtained a phone
interview with Dr. Fredrick Alexander Van Helsing over at Belleview Mental
Hospital, (Not only was Dr. Van Helsing a man who hunted vampires all over the
world in honor of his family, but he is currently seeking help due to a New
York judge’s ruling for killing a suspected vampire at a high school prom
earlier this year.) to get his take on the Count’s latest problems.
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| Dr. Van Helsing |
“Well
to the average person, this is just some random crazy man who dresses up like a
vampire to get blood in strange and unusual ways. The sad truth is that Count
Dracula has really been dealing with clinical depression as of late, and has
been battling Alchemize Disease for over 100 years now. This new charge
involving the tampons comes as no surprise, ever since Twilight came out the
Count has not been able to have steady work. Now if you excuse me, I have to
play chess with a poor soul who believes JFK was Bigfoots father and that the government
uses sporks to control people.”
Even if you think that Dr. Van Helsing smokes crack and
sniffs glue while watching the X-Files, he does point out something that may
have become apparent about Dracula’s behavior as of late. Has the Twilight
Effect drove old school vampires such as him insane? Does the Count just have a
tampon fetish that is now just surfacing? Much like a woman does the Count go
bat shit crazy every 28 days? Hopefully the folks at SVU will be able to answer
these questions and more, but for now we can only report the facts on this
case. We will keep updated as more develops with this story.
