Profiles in Human Delicacies: Thanksgiving Massacre

The First Thanksgiving was thankful for human meat

By Bob-O-F'n-Mac

The False Picture This Country Wants You To Follow

Throughout the course of human history, moments are defined that shape our culture and history in ways never seen before. Some moments make us never forget, other moments raise our spirits and our desires. Meanwhile other moments leave us with a sense of thanks. For many American's, Thanksgiving is a moment that lets us reflect on the things we are thankful for. However, what if Thanksgiving was a holiday shrouded in horror that is unspeakable. It is with a heavy heart that I expose the real horror surrounding an American tradition.

Pilgrims attacking their next meal

Everyone knows the story. Most of us learned about the Pilgrims and Native Americans in school at an early age. On a cold day in 1621, Pilgrims who were settled in Plymouth Massachusetts were cold and very hungry. If not for the Native tribe in the area, the settlers would have starved. Those kind folks gave the settlers the food they needed to survive, and thus an American tradition was born. We accept it today as fact, and welcome it with love, stuffing, and plenty of drunken episodes from family and friends. The sad truth is that Thanksgiving's roots are far more sinister. On that day according to a Harvard professor who wishes to remain anonymous, a very different feasting took place. "With no choice, those settlers abandoned there Christian ways, and after feeding on the young children and elderly, they were hungry for more flesh. Unfortunately, the Native Americans in the area arrived at a bad time. From the moment they set foot into camp, the Native American's were slaughter. The men and women who were drunk with the blood of human flesh made it a point to celebrate the feast of souls. They got dressed up, set the table, and laid the hollowed out skulls of their dinner in the center of a cornucopia."

Where's The Beef?

My initial reaction was shock and horror, but the Harvard professor spoke of things far worse. "The story of the Wendigo finds its roots in the massacre on Plymouth. A few Indians survived the ordeal. Their story may be looked at by most scholars as myth, but every myth is grounded in reality." I had to know why these nice settlers turned so evil. The professor explained, "They ran out of food plain and simple. Also it was the 1600s. People were experimenting with LSD back then. It was a time of revolution and uncharted waters. Some evidence also points to a pact made with the devil…but we both know that's just rubbish. After the great feast, some settlers realized the errors of their ways and started a new non cannibal life further up North into Canada. That is one of many reasons why the Canadians are so peaceful."

The Professor who granted us this interview

The professor helped shed new light as to why I couldn't get this story verified by any other scholar. "When you really think about it, why would they try to get the truth out? This country would erupt into total chaos if information like that got out. I mean, I sniff a lot of glue, and smoke a lot of crack with two dollar hookers, but this subject is something that I have spent my whole life studying. Granted when I was doing acid protesting the Vietnam War, it came to me when I was tripping, but something so vivid like that couldn't be a lie." Regardless of the professor's drug habits, he does bring up a good argument. When this country made Thanksgiving a national holiday in 1941, all records pertaining to Thanksgiving were sealed until 2046. This whole thing seems kind of suspicious to this writer.



In closing, when reviewing these facts, look past the drug induced state of the Harvard professor and try to focus on the government's cover up of what happened that day in 1621. Think about the kind hearted Native American's who lost their souls and flesh to bloody thirsty, deranged, and drug induced pilgrims. After all, everyone knows the story of George Washington and his love of human flesh, but that is a story for another day. Have a safe and non-cannibal Thanksgiving folks.

Watcher’s Council Raises Stakes Against Twilight

Vampires aren't a lifestyle Watcher's Council Says

By Bob-O-F'n-Mac

The Council debates about Team Edward and Team Jacob

Watcher discussing tips to local law enforcement

The undead creatures of the night who feast on blood have always captivated mankind. From ancient folklore to Bram Stokers immortal classic Dracula, vampires are a part of human culture just about everywhere. With the new Twilight movie out in theaters, girls are in love with the undead in ways never before seen. This new found love hasn't come without a price however; many young girls have disappeared and have not been seen since. Many believe that actually vampires may be the cause. Local, State, and Federal agencies have shot down this idea for quite some time, however one group has been fighting the fight, and has assured this blogcast journalist that vampires are in fact the reason behind these attacks. The Watcher's Council cannot stay quiet any longer and need your help in stopping this threat.

Girls sucked into the cult

A representative for the Watcher's Council had this to say. "The battle for good and evil is at stake here. No pun intended of course. In our war against vampires, we (The Watcher's Council) are prepared to do what is necessary for the good of humanity. The vampires have found a very new way to target their pray. By staying in the shadows and pouring huge amounts of money into the movie and book business, they have in essence made the vampire sexy. The truth is that vampire is not a sexy creature. It is pure evil, desires to rule over the earth as the head species. "When asked about the impact that Twilight has had on an increase numbers of deaths and new vampires the Council member said, "Without a doubt, these creatures have used (Twilight) as a platform. One opening weekend, these creatures stalk the girls leaving the theater and from there, the girls are either made into the undead or are killed. Most of the time, a bloody ticket stub is left behind. They (the vampires) enjoy leaving a calling card of sorts. The stories and themes presented in the books are used as brainwashing tool. From there it's quite easy for a vampire to pick off its prey."

Vampires feeding on a young girl who never left the theater

At first I was skeptical about the whole thing. I mean vampires' attacking lonely, desperate teenage girls is just foolish. However, after contacting local and state agencies, I have discovered every time a book came out or a movie was released, that at least eight girls were either missing or dead. When I asked what we as citizens can do to stop this threat, the representative stated, "Under normal circumstances, killing a vampire should be handled by a professional slayer. However in light of the events, you can do a few simple steps to ensure that these creatures don't come near your family or love ones. For starters, never invite a stranger into your home. Second, make sure you carry holy water and crosses with you, wherever you may go. Last but not least, make sure you have a stake handy. By no means should kill someone who is acting like an emo vampire, unless you know for a fact that they do not have a soul or reflection." Local, State, and Federal agencies do not endorse the killing of anything, but it is one of those cases of risk versus reward.



In closing, remember that killing a vampire has its risks. The Watcher's Council and myself is not endorsing this at all, but what we are saying is that with the release of Breaking Dawn Part1 is that you should be mindful of your surroundings. These creatures of the night have used a film and book series to gain a better access to those we love and care about. So if your sister or girlfriend is planning on going to this movie at night by themselves, take one for the team, because it could come back to haunt you.