The Five Most Nutty Things to do during a Zombie Outbreak

The Five Most Nutty Things to do during a Zombie Outbreak

Without a doubt, the subject of a zombie outbreak has more opinions then one can count. I for one cannot and will not compete with those who have planned,thought, or refuse to get laid because their zombie plan is the best. So in an attempt to make myself stand out a bit and also for shits and giggles, I have come up with the five things that I feel are the nuttiest, craziest, and down right disturbing, things to do when the undead begin to take over the world. Enjoy and please leave comments, questions, troll thoughts, and outright hate at the end.

Number 5: Try to Sell Girl Scout Cookies:

If ever there has been one group of people that always look to sell to any consumer(drunk,sober,crazy, insane,sane or creepy) its the local girl scout troop outside of your local grocery store. These girls will bait you in with their charm, innocence, and overall sweetness in an attempt to snag money from your wallet in exchange for mint goodness. In a world without zombies these super sellers fear nobody...but in a world of zombies how would these girls fair? The answer to be honest is horrible at best. Zombies know no sense of mint yummy's. The undead could care less about Samoa's. They crave not a box of six dollar prepackaged cookies, but yearn instead for fresh flesh. The power of a girl scout is unmatched in a world without zombies but in a world with zombies, sitting outside of the grocery store is more of a cattle call than anything else. Soccer mom's I plead with you, when the undead attack, please don't go door to door, because it would be a real shame having to put a bullet between the eyes of your daughter because you wanted to be the mom of the year. However imagine if you will a young girl covered in blood, eyes glazed over, flesh ripped from her body, wanting to eat your flesh. Then imagine in her right hand, a box of mint's! Freaky isn't it?

Number Four: Start A Block Party:

Everyone knows that person in a group who thinks the best way to solve a problem is a party. Their motto is live in the moment, crank up the volume, drink hard, and take two Advil and start all over the next day. The truth is when the undead come knocking...this jackass will no doubt be trying to corner off the block and throw the party of the century. Sure the moment he asks you for beer pong cups and your stereo, you might want to kill him, but alas hand him the beer cups and shake his hand and let him be on his way. Just sit back and watch from a hole in your boarded window as the chaos is unleashed. Now you might think I am a major asshole and might be asking yourself, 'well its the end of the world, does it really matter?' That answer my friends is simple...YES!!! Now fast forward to the night of the block party when every idiot is drowning their fears, sadness, and insecurities away, and cranking up that Jay-Z tune. Now picture as the whole block is cut off and through the blaring music you hear a loud howl, and at that moment the hair stands on your back. The drunken idiots cant hear it, but you know what it is...the undead and they want to make their mark as the ultimate party crasher! As you head into your panic room and say good bye to world you once knew, just know that party got hot and heavy...hot in fluids of blood all over the place, and heavy with the amount of flesh digested...to quote Comic Book Guy, "Worst Party EVER!"

Number Three: March in Protest at the Unfair Treatment of Zombies

Martin Luther King Jr. had a dream where people could coexist regardless of race, but I'm pretty sure not even he would have marched for the civil rights of the undead! Ever since the hippie moment of the 60s it seems like everyone has a cause or something that they need to protect. From people against guns,mistreatment of animals,plants,bugs,booze,tobacco,drugs, violence, books, and even global warming...some are valid and others are just plain stupid! So it would make sense some bleeding rich kids would want to protect the rights of the undead. Little do these bleeding hearts realize that the undead aren't looking for equality, they are looking for their next meal. They know nothing of equality, instead they look beyond race or sex for the simple desire to eat! The march for undead civil rights is pointless and should be avoided at all levels...take that back...march away bleeding hearts, you will prove a good distraction and help keep the idiot population down!

Number Two: Try to Kill a Zombie with a Lightsaber:

Every nerd out there would love to wield the power of the force and try to destroy a zombie with it. The sad truth is that the force doesn't exist and therefore should not be used for any reason. That plastic lightsaber you bought at Wal-Mart will do nothing more than make a zombie more agitated than anything else.However I will say this...seeing someone attempt to do that would funny and sad all at the same time.

Number One: Try to Recreate the Thriller Dance with the Undead:

In theory this would be fun to do, but the truth is that zombies care not to dance, instead they only care to eat. You may want to boogie woggie with the undead, but please let the idea stay dead. The King of Pop did it for fun, and I highly doubt that if MJ was still around, he would be crazy enough to try and do it. Blasting the song will do nothing but attract attention, and if you manage to have them distracted as you get down with your funky self, as soon as you raise your hands up, its going to be all over long before you hear Vincent Price laugh at the end. Truthfully the only people who will be laughing are all of us, who watched from far away as you were eaten alive...and then maybe we might waste a bullet on you to stop you from joining the ranks of the undead.